Reframing Our Worst Counseling Fears Come True

That phrase kept swirling through my mind over and over, reassuring me that my student who had gone missing on May 22, 2018, had not died by suicide but in fact was more likely to be found sulking somewhere in a park or Starbucks. By 21:00 that evening a counselor’s worst nightmare, my worst nightmare, had become reality. She died by hanging herself in a Starbucks, having skipped school that day.

Moments after this reality struck, I remember the smell of peppermint (an essential oil I was using for my headache). I remember wearing my hair back in a ponytail braid, putting on my athlete’s game face for the

next coming weeks until the end of the school year. I remember continuing my self-care routine obsessively (meditating daily, yoga, exercise, eating well, etc). With a new school year beginning with a new principal who had new energy and ideas, a selected group of staff, parents and students received an excellent training by Forefront that we continue to use today in a continued peer to peer training for students, staff, and parents.

The LEARN Toolkit has taught us how to “Look for signs”, “Empathize and listen”, “ Ask about suicide”, Reduce/Report danger”, and “Next steps” with respect to our role in the school’s community. I continue to have regular conversations with different community members who know they need to have that hard conversation, and they feel so much more prepared with the right words to use than ever before. This training is a must for all schools, the suicide data speaks for itself.

The professional response to such a tragedy was as best taken care of as possible with not just short and mid-term plans but also a sustainable long-term plan for raising awareness about mental health and suicide prevention training for all community members. Months into the new school year I suddenly realized I had nothing left in me. I felt broken. I was no longer the same Lina as before. What I thought was a self-care routine to help me through these difficult months was not even close to enough for what I really needed. With the help of colleagues and friends I started

therapy and immediately learned about the window of stress tolerance. By understanding my own window of stress tolerance, “the optimal zone of arousal for a person to function in everyday life” (Dan Siegel), I recognized that I was operating between hypo- and hyper-arousal. The “I am no longer than same Lina” now made more sense to me. Of course I wasn’t dealing well with any form of crisis anymore.

With therapy well underway, we started working on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). During this experience I learned how my brain works with regards to memory and reframing of our experiences. At the time I thought I could never continue being a counselor again and now questions regarding my student’s suicide no longer trigger intense physical, mental and emotional reactions in me. The 8 phases of EMDR Therapy include History&Treatment planning (including looking at what internal and external resources the client already has access to when dealing with triggers and traumas), Preparation for the EMDR process (including creating a very safe space for the client to connect with triggering memories), Assessment of the event to be processed (including images, beliefs, feelings, and sensations), using Desensitzation strategies (such as tapping, eye-movement, etc) to help reduce experienced distress and allowing for new images, beliefs, feelings and sensations to emerge, Installation of a positive belief associated with the event until the client believes it is true, practicing a Body Scan to process any lingering disturbance within the body, assisting the client towards Closure with the positive belief feeling absolutely true and there being no body disturbances, and finally Re-evaluation to discuss recently processed memories and establish new targets for treatment. How we reframe all of our life experiences (both good and bad) directly impacts our next life experiences as well as how we support others in our personal and professional life.

I felt broken after my student’s suicide. How do I put myself back together again when I have broken into so many pieces? One form of reframing my experience I found interesting fell into my lap one day scrolling through social media – the Japanese art form Kintsugi. Suddenly there was a way to look at all my broken pieces in a different light: “Kintsugi’s philosophy says scars should not be hidden. Instead it is about acknowledging that breakages and repairs form part of our history. The art of Kintsugi is the process of treating and healing the scars…to then be able to see the gold. It is the scars that beautify the object.” (Natajsa Wagner). I extended this into my life in different directions: I booked a calendar invite for May 22 with the title “Student’s name: thank you for starting my Kintsugi Journey”. On a past May 22nd, a Saturday, I chose to go for a hike with a friend and spent the day repeating the phrase “I am so happy to be alive because…” and filling the blank with different chosen gratitudes happening in real time.

Our worst counseling fears or worst case scenarios can and possibly will happen some day, none of us are exempt of tragedy hitting home, no matter how good we are at what we do. A continued self-care practice is imperative to say the least, however without self-awareness to consistently adjust with the different external and interal experiences around us, our self-proclaimed “routine” may not be enough or the right thing at a given moment. Being aware of our window of stress tolerance may improve this awareness and adaptability skill. Finding a way to reframe difficult, traumatic or triggering experiences will help not only you in the future, but those you are supporting as well. In my case I know that my heart broke into pieces and I slowly built it back together again. I can still feel and see the scars, as can you, and it has made me better for it. I invite you to take your own broken pieces and turn towards them as a starting point. It means you can trust yourself not just at your best and highest points but even at your lowest moments.

The LEARN Toolkit has taught us how to “Look for signs”, “Empathize and listen”, “ Ask about suicide”, Reduce/Report danger”, and “Next steps” with respect to our role in the school’s community. I continue to have regular conversations with different community members who know they need to have that hard conversation, and they feel so much more prepared with the right words to use than ever before. This training is a must for all schools, the suicide data speaks for itself.